For her new show, you’re invited to celebrate performer extraordinaire Amy Lamé’s birthday – and she’s hoping a very special guest will make an appearance. Morrissey – icon for the bookish, bespectacled weirdos of the world – is invited too. A seat is reserved for him… will he ever arrive, perhaps clutching a bunch of flowers and a gift?
Unhappy Birthday cracks open the cult of celebrity and fandom; flays fat, faith and sexual identity; probes the pains of growing up; and cross examines a curious nostalgia for a time that may never have existed except in the bedroom of our imagination. It includes props made by non other than Tatty Devine – watch out for giant perspex pieces popping up throughout the show.
Unhappy Birthday begins with a bang from 1st-12th May 2012 at the Camden People’s Theatre in London, where there will be an exhibition of rare photographs of The Smiths and Morrissey by Tom Sheehan. It will later be followed by a nationwide tour and you can buy tickets here.
To celebrate this unhappy occasion, we have one pair of tickets to win for the date and venue of your choice. That’s not all, too – the lucky winner will also receive an exclusive name necklace inspired by the poster boy of melancholy himself: Morrissey.
To win, just answer this question:
How would you turn an unhappy birthday into a happy birthday for a friend?
Leave your answer as a comment (click here and scroll to the bottom), and we’ll ask Amy Lamé to pick her favourite as the winner! The closing date is 12 noon on Tuesday 1st May.
66 Responses to Win tickets to Unhappy Birthday!
i would cook them lots of party food buy some booze and get ‘em drunk it will probably end up with us watching terrible TV and laughing about the place!
win tickets to this show and then take them along!
i can outdo the morrissey necklace: somewhere in my attic is a REAL moz necklace…one i caught at a gig! it sits alongside a pressed gladioli and a bit of a big girl’s blouse!
I’d take the problem away! Or at least take them away, come rain or shine a picnic at the venue of their choice. With planned decorations hanging from our make shift gazebo of sneon stars, ribbons and plenty of party poppers. Good food and good company can make any unhappy ovation happy again!
I would take them to paint teapots and teacups at a pottery shop- its so much fun and would make any unhappy day happy! Then make cupcakes so that we could have a teaparty with their fancy new crockey! Woo
I would make them feel extra special by having lots of treats instore to turn it into a happy birthday. Think food, drink, fun and a great bunch of friends.
(Also this is a cracking competition!)
I’d probably ask them what they needed to make it a happy birthday– and then make it happen in the goofiest way possible.
To be honest, I’d probably put The Queen Is Dead on and flail about for a bit, drinking wine Bernard Black style, ending the evening with a flourish by singing ‘I Know It’s Over’ repeatedly, at full volume in front of the cd player with expressive hand movements.
It’s a good job my friends like The Smiths, eh?
I would enter their house with breakfast and flowers and set up a beautiful breakfast table waiting for them when they woke up. I would leave a letter that gave them clues/riddles about a mystery tour that was going to happen later in the day. I would then turn up in a super cool car at the designated time and whisk them away for a day of magical mystery (to include glorious food and alchohol aplenty).
I would make my friend alcoholic chocolates and put them in a handmade box – what wouldn’t a mate like about that : )
I would be super attentive and make them feel really special, I would get some party decorations and party poppers and make sure I got in all their favourite things, food, drinks, treats, their favourite flowers etc… I would also bake them a special and individualised cup cake and put a sparkler in it when I gave it to them. We would drink and reminisce about days gone by and probably end up jigging around the room to the sounds of an 80′s retro album, or screach out some old karaoke tunes
Here are my thoughts, divided up into different types of crappy birthday scanario:
1. Friend feels old
Take them to a weekday lunchtime cookery course, where you will both be the youngest people by aeons. Cackle and celebrate your plump and glorious youth with lashings of gin.
2. Friend got crappy presents from everyone else
Give them a glue gun and build all of the other, inferior presents into a Present Singularity in the living room (preferably someone else’s). Photograph it from worm’s eye view, while cackling and enjoying a fine gin, or five.
3. Friend is a Birthday Moaner who will never be happy on their birthday, ever
Fill them up with gin and put them to bed, and have a celebration the next day for any other reason. “I have black shoes on.” “The sun shone for three minutes.” “Benedict Cumberbatch.” The celebration must involve further gin and lunch somewhere that deals purely in trans fasts.
Other than possibly uncovering my mild-to-fervant interest in gin, I hope you’ll agree that these strategies are award-winning in calibre.
I would mix jugs of her favourite cocktail and let her be the dj for the night. I would of course join her in dancing and singing to all her guilty pleasures on really loud volume!
I would take the to see Unhappy Birthday and give them a Morrissey name necklace I’d won for them….
I would take them to see Morrissey of course…We would sing, dance, probably cry and then maybe try to storm the stage to get a rare but beautiful present- a hug from the Moz! Perfection.
I’d most definitely bake them a cupcake in my giant cupcake mould, and write them a lovely card. I’m not one for the expensive things in life, so I think anyone who receives a card and a cake really enjoys it! This necklace be great for me, my last name is Morris!
IiihgctytdfgrI would call my best friend and pick his father’s car. We’nll miss our classes and pick up our 88 best friends. We’n drive down to Chicago, visit a museum, watch a baseball match, and after that we’ll make our own party in the streets singing IT’S NOT YOUR BIRTHDAY ANYMORE!
I would bake them a variety of cakes and we would dress as dinosaurs and re-enact Jurassic Park. We would then listen to 80′s and 90′s music (such as Kung Fu Fighting) and dance like fools
I would wow them with my clever guitar skills, I can play This Charming Man (Possibly the hardest ever riff known to man)…… Plus my bestest friend in the world is called Stephen!!! My name isn’t Johhny though!! Haha
I would sneak up behind my best friend, Gary, throw my tartan fringed car blanket over his head, and bundle him into the boot (that’s the trunk, Amy) of my car. (I’d provide him with a few bottles of Cherry B and some Twiglets; I’m not a Barbarian). I’d drive to Formby Beach and let him out. When he sees that his tormentor is only little old me, his fear would subside, his rage and disbelief would make way for a heart-soaring gratitude at being safe and alive and by the sea on his birthday.
If I won the unhappy birthday tickets and Mozza necklace that would make me very happy. I would run around in my pants singing This Charming Man. After I had had calmed down, I would invite that friend to come along to the evening and take them out for dinner too. Then everyone’s a winner.
I think the answer here is to make use of the modern means at our disposal and medicalise the problem. Spiking someone is, after all, a kind of gift, with prescription prices how they are these days. I would perhaps start with some anti depressants hidden in their prawn cocktail, and see how that worked out; maybe a valium in the dessert if it wasn’t going well. If they got a headache from the mixture, a 30mg cocodamol ought to do the trick. If they still didn’t seem relaxed and happy, then a spot of MDMA in the champagne should make a dent. And if they hit their limit or ended up being carted home in the cab, I would maybe slip a crafty alka seltzer into their bedside water as I tucked them up safely for some no-doubt memorable dreams.
I would tickle them
Bake them a birthday cake made out of drugs.
I would put on “there is a light that never goes out” to make them feel really special, pour a couple of large Gin cocktails and eat birthday cake. Then maybe go and shout at some meat eaters. Wait I think this is my idea of a happy birthday not any of my friends! Depends who I’m trying to please I guess?! Long as The Smiths, cake and alcohol is involved you can’t go wrong! And who wouldn’t want a tatty Devine present?!
Kk. Kidnap Morrissey & Jarvis Cocker & give the key to cell as pressie. Friend gets to choose which order to “have” them for dinner & dessert …
Hey babes, Dry your eyes…Good job we got the Tesco value box of tissues, The Aloe Vera infused ones were priced sky high. I’ll get the Babycham sparkling fizz out the freezer and pour it into the original 80s glasses fountain I’ve arranged – C’est chic. Those Iceland treats should be cooked by now, Bit worried bout the cook from frozen Chicken but I’m sure It’ll be fine, Got NHS helpline on speed dial if need be. Do you like your present? Yes those are original Odorama scracth cards for the film Polyester I’ve been bidding on eBay for…It is your favorite film right? Did you like the Twister Duvet set? I say after a couple of glasses we should knock on the 60s frame glass wearing guy upstairs and invite him down for a game, Sorry he saw you recycle your Take a break magazine collection!! Have some cake..I’ve spent ages recreating your face in marzipan. OK I’ve got Jose the rickshaw driver we spotted in Soho to come to your house to take us to the Royal Vauxhall Tavern, Dancing with tears in your eyes…The drama. Mwah X
I would turn up unannounced, and take them out for coffee and cake, followed by a wander around the shops, with lots of smiles and giggles. We’d then have lunch somewhere special, and afternoon tea. Then we’d head home and share a bottle of wine and watch some silly TV programme, chatting and putting the world to rights at the same time.
Not a fancy answer, but this is what I know my friend would love.
I’d bake them a cake(I make good cake..) and throw them a party with wild tunes and wild times..
Buy them a kitten and call it Morrisey
…and then realise I was a dick who spells morrissey wrong
I would set up a Mad Hatters Tea party, have musician friends play ‘A Very Merry Un-Birthday’ and fill them with Alice in Wonderland-esque fun.
So undoubtedly they are having an unhappy birthday because of man (or woman) trouble… so I’d ply them with rum and regale them with ‘my exs must be worse than your exs’ stories… including the one who wanted There’s A Light That Never Goes Out as the first dance at his wedding…. and then I’d hunt for a crucifix, bundle her in a cab and we’d recreate this video on the way to make merry at Duckie. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbg2AhnIDVM
I would smite her enemies and then take her out for Indian food and then 2-4-1 cocktails!
Ooh, that’s a tough one! My friend was worrying so much that she was getting old (just turned 30, hardly old!). So to turn it into a happy birthday, I would have made a time travelling machine (out of cardboard of course!) and for the day pretend we were 18 again…Finishing off the day with cake and booze, we demand cake and booze!
(what a fantastic necklace and the show sounds awesome, Lamé is queen of the quiffs!) x
with gin and a box of kittens!
one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, four tequila, five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila, eight tequila, nine tequila… say no more!
i would get creative. take her round the charity shops with 20 quid each to spend on a new outfit. we would then go home and try and embelish our finds with beads sequins and all the trimmings before hitting the town in our new designs.
It is a scientific fact that it’s impossible to feel sad when watching roller derby, so I would take my unhappy pal along to a bout, ply them with beer and watch some sassy hard-ass chicks beat the shit out of each other on roller skates. Their birthday pains will be sated when faced with the exemplary pain threshold of derby girls.
In an ideal world, we would get to and from the bout on a tandem bicycle, wearing matchy-matchy outfits that we craft ourselves from bubble wrap, glitter and bin bags, but that is dependent on both time and resources. It may have to be an illicit beer picnic on the tube and I’ll try to wear something that doesn’t have dubious stains down the front.
The night will end with us holding hands and singing a perfect rendition of “There Is A Light That Never Goes Out” whilst waiting for the night bus home. Beautiful.
I’d get them stinkin drunk and have a bitch fest about everyone we know!
I would graffiti their name in a prominent place in East London in a banksyesque style. As a homage to their awesomeness. Maybe them grabbing a balloon. Then wisk them away to do their favorite thing even if that is feeding pigeons or searching through rubbish bins for hidden gold. Food setting would be a nice picnic heavy traffic area so you can hoot and holler at HOT people or bums whichever they are in the mood for. We would make some new friends from all the hooting and hollering and go where the wind takes us. Of course there would be alcohol involved, but consuming just enough to feel great. Cava preferred. The gist: They are your friend and the best thing you can do is be there for them and listen. Just try and make a memory and most importantly LAUGH! If all else fails do something embarrassing in their honour (i.e. walking up to people telling them you are part of the F.B.I., Female Body Inspector) they will forget why they were upset in the first place.
An unhappy birthday? Not if you have some Lionel Ritchie tunes, a curry menu and some cocktails. Ta-da!
I wi would start the day by making them pancakes and strawbs for breakie then off to rollerworld for some skating. Lunch in the park and then a trip on a rowing boat in the duck pond. The afternoon would be spent at the planetarium gazing at the stars and then a trip to tatty Devine for them to pick out their present and in the evening dinner and cocktails at ex’s diner. Best birthday ever!
I’d play Altered Images ‘Happy Birthday’ really loud, have plenty of jelly and ice cream, before indulging in bloody marys on a bouncy castle and a silent disco to finish off with…;)
bbbakeca massive cake – then cover it with loads and loads of brightly coloured sweets (as many e-numbers as possibl) -combine that with party hats and party rings – off to the pub for a good old sing song and a few beers!
maybe a pressie or two and some sort of outrageously immature card
Perfect
I’d ply them with booze and then play Morrissey’s song ‘It’s not Birthday anymore’ just to bamboozle matters….just as it’s getting confusing, everybody I’ve secretly invited would burst out of the other room and shout ‘Oh, yes it is!!!’ – then we’d all party until the early hours!
Burger and chips, a pitcher of margarita, Tom Hardy on a stick and a bit of step-touch…
get them a kitten, kittens cheer everyone up.
If that fails get the karaoke machine out and then we both can sing old blues songs and have a good cry – always works for me !
My birthday is on Xmas day and none of my friends have ever done anything for me except for one, my gay best frie d ( sounds like a book?!) each year we play Smiths vinyl ont juke box Dance around my house on the 25th December his on the 11th feb and we have the best birthdays ever. The kids love the smiths and Morrissey alone too.
i would say that your b’day only come’s once a year but your unhappy b’day is every day so let’s party xxx
By By presenting her with the morrissey necklace and tickets to see Amy lamé of course ! Then a shoppIng trip to get new clobber especially for the event . Lots of bubbly HIV HIV and a drunken tattoo .
Stupid auto correct * hic hic not HIV ! Fml not a good birthday treat really is that ! Oops
Iiii’I'd make sure they had a good birthday by ensuring the day was full of Party Rings, pink wafer biscuits, chocolate fingers, jelly ice cream, beer, wine, pop, pass the parcel (with a tatty devine necklace as the inside prize) musical statues and a massive pitcher of Margueritas. Olé
Give tGive them ice-cream with a cherry on top.
Give them ice-cream with a cherry on top
I would turn up with matching new converse trainers for her and me. A black eyeliner to draw comedy moustaches on each others faces, then we would trudge around all the vintage shops in London to discover treasures. Then home for a takeaway while we paraded our new buys round the living room with the curtains open and our moustaches out proud ={)
I wouldI would take the ‘un’ away…cheeky but simple!
(and then sing the Happy Birthday song at them if I won!) Eh voila ^_^
a face full of cake frosting, some party rock shufferling and yeah, Tom Hardy on a stick!
Bake blake a cake, play the Smiths, dance x
I would bring my dog Bobby to the party. He’s a West Highland Terrier and he’s the best dog in the world. Then I would serve up my famous pots of my famous yoghurt – which is just bog standard yoghurt mixed with Baileys and Kahlua. If that failed I would do my special dance until I got dizzy and passed out. Who could be unhappy after that?
I actually did this! One of my best friends and I were on the other side of the country for her 21st, so I packaged her up a 90s gift box. It had the complete Blossom, series 1 of The Fresh Prince and series 1 of Clarissa Explains it all on DVD, 100 hits of the 90s and loads of little things like glitter tattoos, fashion doll stickers and rubber bracelets. And of course plenty of sweets too. It was just something a little bit more special as I wouldn’t get to see her on such a big day
If it was for my best friend then I know that just by being their for her would make it a happy birthday.
Not arrogant, just shows we love each other.
I’d pack up a picnic, and whisk them away in my Triumph Herald Coupe. I’d put some Cat Stevens on for the journey. (my car has no radio, so i’d use my portable record player.) We’d be off to alton towers, and sit in the gardens eating our lovely picnic of cakes and wine. Then we’d go on the rides! Hopefully it would be a sunny day! Then id take my friend home to find my house full of people waiting for her arrival and we’d party all night long and drink punch through straws! Perfect.
Time’s up! A big thank you to everyone who’s entered, we’ll be passing your suggestions on to Amy Lamé later today and contacting the winner by the end of the week. Good Luck! xx
I’d feed them cupcakes and gin and shake my boobies at them! Works like magic.
Cake. Booze, Fags, Music and singing. Birthday hugs. What more could a girl want?
Yep, so the friend would be a guy, and simply my aim would be to facilitate them getting laid at best or at least some breast action